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I’m in Heaven I’m in Hell


take e back to website 









WHAT IS BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER





painting by Daul kim





Hi, I’m Kevin. A Belgian/British boy who has been diagnosed with BPD 10 years ago. It’s very hard to understand, as I appear normal.

Yet, my reality is completely different.
I ’m impulsive. I don’t sense danger. One moment I’m self-destructive, later perfectionist.
Life is black or white, there’s no grey space.

I love peace as much as I love chao.
I’m my best friend and my worst ennemy. 




i’ N HEAVEN IM I HELL 

SO WHAT IS IT 

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is not about being dramatic, manipulative, or unstable by choice. It is a condition that affects emotional regulation, attachment, and how threat is perceived in relationships.



I’m writing this blog as there’s presently no tretment for BPD.we can calm in down, with medicine, addictons, therapies. 



I’ve been through it all, and i hope it speaks to someone.  I will give you my tips. 



An emotional system that reacts too fast


People with BPD don’t feel emotions more often than others — they feel them faster and deeper. A small relational signal, such as a delayed reply or a change in tone, can trigger intense fear, shame, or anger. What may seem minor from the outside

can feel overwhelming on the inside.

Relationships feel vital, not optional


Because of early emotional instability or inconsistency, attachment often becomes a core sensitivity. Closeness brings safety but also fear; distance can feel like abandonment. As a result, people with BPD may alternate between

seeking reassurance and pulling away to protect themselves.

This is not manipulation. 
Itis a survival response to perceived emotional threat.

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Two realities can exist at once


For someone without BPD, a conflict may feel uncomfortable but manageable. For someone with BPD, the same moment can feel like proof of rejection or worthlessness. Both experiences are real, even if they don’t match.




Responsibility still matters





Self-sabotage and addiction as associated behaviors with Borderline Personality Disorder.



s

entence

Borderline Personality Disorder means living with an emotional alarm system that goes off too fast and too loudly — especially in relationships — making feelings overwhelming even when the danger isn’t real.


Borderline
Personality Disorder (BPD) is clinically and empirically associated with chronic suicidality, risk-taking, and self-destructive decision-making, but the mechanism is often misunderstood. What looks like a “desire to die” is more accurately a desire to stop psychic pain, combined with impaired threat evaluation under emotional load.

pov: the good news is you’re scared of nothing. You have no sense of danger. 



Below is a structured linkage, grounded in psychopathology

rather than moral judgment.

1. “Desire to die” in BPD is rarely about death itself


In BPD, suicidal ideation is typically:

  1. Reactive, not premeditated

  2. Triggered by abandonment, shame, humiliation, or identity collapse

  3. Experienced as relief-seeking rather than death-seeking

Clinically, this is called negative reinforcement: death (or self-harm) is imagined as the only way to terminate intolerable affect.

The thought is not “I want to be dead,” but
“I cannot continue being in this state.”

This explains:

  1. Recurrent suicidal thoughts without sustained intent

  2. Escalation during interpersonal crises

  3. Rapid shifts between wanting to live and wanting to disappear

2. Impaired risk perception under emotional dysregulation


A core feature of BPD is emotion-driven cognition:

  1. Intense affect precedes reasoning

  2. The prefrontal cortex (risk evaluation, future projection) is functionally overridden by limbic activation

Result:

  1. Danger is intellectually known but emotionally discounted

  2. The body does not feel risk the way others do

This leads to decisions that are:

  1. Objectively extreme

  2. Subjectively experienced as necessary, inevitable, or meaning-giving

3. Risk as identity regulation :

why Afghanistanmakes sense psychologically


For someone with BPD, identity is often:


  1. Unstable

  2. Contingent on intensity

  3. Validated through extremes rather than continuity


Going to Afghanistan as a gay, feminine boy is not irrational in a psychiatric sense. It can serve several unconscious functions:

a)

Externalizing i

internal danger
Living in constant inner threat → choosing an environment where threat is real and visible.


“If I’m going to feel in danger anyway, it might as well be justified.”




b) Meaning through exposure
Risk creates:


  1. Intensity

  2. Clarity

  3. A temporary sense of self (“the one who dares”)


This counters chronic emptiness, a hallmark of BPD. c) Implicit self-endangerment without explicit suicide
This is crucial:


  1. Many people with BPD do not want to kill themselves

  2. But they do not protect themselves
      
This is called passive self-destructiveness.




IV. Daily risk-taking as emotional regulation



Risky behavior (traveling in hostile zones, substance use, unsafe relationships, confrontations) functions as:

  1. Affect modulation: fear cuts through emotional numbness

  2. Self-punishment: internalized shame seeks consequences

  3. Control illusion: choosing danger feels better than being helpless

Neurobiologically:

  1. Dopamine spikes from risk temporarily stabilize mood

  2. Cortisol and adrenaline provide grounding when dissociation is present

This is why the behavior repeats despite consequences.

V. Why self-destructive patterns persist despite intelligence



People with BPD are often:

  1. Highly perceptive

  2. Morally reflective

  3. Fully aware of geopolitical, social, or personal risks

The issue is not ignorance. It is state-dependent reasoning:

  1. When emotionally regulated → insight exists

  2. When dysregulated → insight collapses

This creates profound shame afterward, reinforcing the cycle.

6. The unifying thread


Suicidality, dangerous travel, impulsivity, and self-destruction in BPD are not separate symptoms. They are expressions of a single core problem:

An inability to tolerate emotional pain without transforming it into action.

Risk becomes:

  1. A language

  2. A coping strategy

  3. A way to feel real, alive, or punished enough to continue

7. A critical clarification (important)


This does not mean:

  1. You “want to die”

  2. You are reckless by nature

  3. You lack self-respect

It means your nervous system has learned that intensity is safer than emptiness, and danger is preferable to emotional annihilation.

That is a learned adaptation, not a character flaw.


Borderline Vulnerability and Narcissistic Abuse



People with

Borderline personality disorder feel emotions intensely, fear abandonment, and seek deep connection. This openness can be exploited by a narcissistic, perverse individual, who takes pleasure in controlling and destabilizing others.

The victim reacts emotionally → the abuser gains power. The victim fears loss → the abuser exploits it. The only thing such an abuser fears is exposure or justice.

In short: intense vulnerability meets intentional domination, creating a destructive cycle — one side seeking connection, the other seeking control.

Let me give you an exemple of my situation :

For legal purposes no pictures or name(s) will be displayed.

I met this guy from eastern europe/muslim background in August 2024 - yes i love challenges - he was super sweet but in a hurry. Like don’t see any other men, just me. I did not judge, because of his background. after all he was str8 and taking me to the swimming pool was a huge test for him. 

Quickly it turned into a intense relationship -  not from my side, I don’t think you can force love - or shuld I say it’s even more repulsive when you force it. I told him I have different desires in terms of men and that I can’t be inclusive. He took it versy personnally. I naively open my heart about previous addiction in my twenties: alchool. Soon enough, he would bring c0caine on every occasion. So I quit home. I know addiction I don’t want it. He would text me everyday, call me everyday, moved from Brussels North to MY STREET. Ring the bell at 2am, as if everything was own to him, without a thought about my respect/ safe-zone.



I was a slut, a whore, a “creature”
Online and On location stalked
To break it short he was on all the dating app “looking for a sub sissy to fill up  on a daily ” Romantic- but it’s my fault OFC, to check if i’m online ! Slut Kevin ! Meanwhile, he was also solding his body in Antwerp. But God forbid If i received a whatsapp text. My phone endend on my right cheecks ...



Projection...is not my job.
Confronted to his lies he became violent. 
We went back and forth for one year 
The sociologist in me was so intrigued to understand his mindset, disconstruct his behaviour. Understand and adapt. 

Eventually I will meet people like this in my life and know how to react. 



He knew what he was doing from the beginning 

A little femboy 

authentic, happy, comfortable 

everybody came to me at raves 

little blonde diva 

“you fucking slut you like it when people look at you hein” “yesssss i’m a slutttttttt 100% own it bb ! i’m just dancing, it’s hardteck!”

that get him fuming

Then started the game of ....I really want you, you smell lie my GF, your pheromones drives me crazy.... but something has changed in you. I don’t want you, go home. 

Dhu ? Self-projection much? 




MY SOLUTION 



If you really want to go for it 
play seduction but not vulnerability 
Reply rarely, 
keep your insecurities for yourself 
He will loose interest 
these peple have no taste 
I’ve seen the other boys 
they seek manipulation 


fragirlity, youth, innocence

& take care of yourself my love